I want to be lighter.

I don’t want to let fear take over my life any longer.

In fact, starting now, I will use more powerful statements.  No more “I want to” or “I wish”.  Instead there will be more of “I will” and “I can’t wait to”.

For my entire life, I’ve lived under an umbrella of fear.

I’m not exactly sure of why that is.  Or maybe I have an idea, but I’m sure rambling on about possible childhood traumas that could’ve screwed me up would be diving far off topic.  And, that’s another thing I would like to evolve from.

My greatest fear of all:

I have a fear of disappointing those around me on any level.  It’s almost paralyzing at times.

It’s crazy because I have an incredibly supportive husband who cheers me on and motivates me every step of the way. 

Even writing the word husband and understanding that I’m not a little girl anymore.

I’m a 30-year old married woman, ex-lawyer, ex-Northern-transplant-in the South, current nomadic-blogger trying to change the world.  And yet, all I can think about is disappointing my family, or namely my parents.

I’ve let fear direct my path throughout my years in many ways.  From college to law school.  Then from law school into a legal career that I sometimes willingly and other times unwillingly fought every step of the way.

I let my ideas of what I thought would make my parents happy control most of my decisions.  This centrally-broken relationship of me letting others dictate my movements and what I thought was best for my happiness led to other relationships where I instilled the same cycle.

I think one of the best things I’ve gained with age is the acceptance and understanding that I’m not perfect.

That shift in mindset of being able to accept my own shortcomings was the hardest yet the most pivotal thing I’ve ever done.

It led me to realize that I had a lot to work on within myself.  I’m human.

Perfect is boring.

With perfect, there’s no work to be done and no growth to celebrate.

And, let’s be real, perfect doesn’t exist.  It only exists in our minds when we wish to avoid the reality of our situations.  Or, of ourselves.

That was me for a very long time.  Too long.

I believed everything was great in my life and more importantly within me.

I saw no real fault in my habits, rituals, relationships, or ways of being.

I had plentiful moments of inner conflict and deep depression.  But, I covered those up.

Food, alcohol, going out, filling time with useless conversations and temporary people.

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom, that I had to come to the realization that either I would die there or I would get the fuck up and do everything I could to get out of the hole I felt stuck in. 

I started to evaluate some of the things I was doing and very slowly, began to crawl towards something different. 

To paraphrase a great quote: if you want different results, do things differently. 

So I did.

Another great quote comes from the title of a book I once read: “When everything changes, change everything.”

It’s one of those powerful quotes and books that is just so simple and so true that it’s life-changing.

Maybe not automatically, but it plants a tiny seed in your mind that will eventually blossom into a new world of opportunities.  If you water it.

The book explains how we’re so terrified of change that we always think it’s a “crisis”.  But, it doesn’t need to be. 

Life needs change.

Without change there is no growth.  And, without growth there is no life.

Change has been essential to my life and to my journey.

Without it, I’m not quite sure where I’d be.  But, it wouldn’t be here, that’s for sure.

And right now, there’s no where else I’d rather be. 

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